Me, Me, Me

When I read back over the entries in this blog, they sound so self-obsessed. I suspect there's a delicate balance between confronting your despair and wallowing in it.

I also realize that I still have a lot to work through, especially since some of the most difficult issues are so painful to me that I won't even let myself think about -- let alone write about them.

But if this process is about healing there are a couple of things I've learned from past experience -- and bereavement -- that I must do.

One is to try not to focus on myself so much. Extending myself to others who need my help and being a better brother to my sibs, better nephew, uncle and cousin to my family, better friend to my dear friends, will at least channel some of my emotions and energies into a more positive direction. If I'm still too damaged to help myself right now, I may as well try and help others in the interim. That's a lesson I can learn from Lionel who, even at his most sick and broken, managed to have a great deal of compassion for others, especially strangers in need.

The other thing that has helped in the past has been to throw myself into my art. I've been too depressed to generate the energy to write much...even in this blog. But I've got major writing deadlines looming, including a show that opens in two months and several short films to complete. That should be enough to keep me occupied until I've scrounged up the courage to face what I'm working so hard to avoid in my personal life.