Up...and down.

It's no secret that I have been profoundly depressed, since the Sunday morning ambulance ride that took Lionel away from our apartment for the last time. His hospitalization, his death, funeral, the struggle to face holidays in St. Louis with my family, everything since then has kept me in a deep state of despair.

This morning, I had to walk the few blocks to work for a quick errand. For the first time in ages, it was not grey, gloomy, rainy, or snowing. I was surprised at how a little bit of sunshine seemed to lift my mood.

On the walk back to the apartment, I was just beginning to think that maybe the upcoming change in seasons might somehow help me marshall the resolve to go on, when I encountered a couple of guys cleaning the street and raking up leaves in the tiny park in front of the 7-11. From their coveralls, I could tell they were workers on the neighborhood clean-up crew, hired by local merchants to maintain the area.

I recognized one of them as a casual acquaintance I hadn't seen in quite awhile. He was actually more of LBJ's friend than mine. We chatted briefly, and just as I was about to continue on my way, he asked about Lionel.

It was like being kicked in the stomach. I could tell that he hadn't heard, so I felt compelled to give him the briefest possible update. He seemed genuinely surprised and sorry at the news.

I headed on home, no longer noticing the sunshine, wondering instead how many more of these encounters I will have, as the weather warms up and Lionel's many, many buddies emerge from hibernation due to the end of winter weather.