If only...

When I was a kid and something bad had happened or was happening, I would go up to my room, get in bed and try to fall asleep...no matter what the time of day.

I had this childish belief that, if I could just fall asleep quickly enough, when I awakened whatever I was worried about would turn out to have been just a bad dream.

Before you laugh, I do remember it actually working a couple of times - me waking to discover something frightening or worrying me was all just a nightmare. But, as I got older, the success rate lessened drastically. And now, when I need it most, it doesn't work at all.

Last night, with a friend dozing in a recliner in front of the television in the living-room, I went to bed. He was watching some crime show on cable, one that I remembered Lionel watching out there many a night as I fell asleep in the bedroom.

I turned out the lights and pulled up the covers, wishing with all my heart that whenever I woke to go to the bathroom it would be Lionel up front, asleep on his sofa bed in the flickering glow and murmur of some late night infomercial.

That way, the past three months could just be a long, detailed, horrible dream. And I could go into the living-room and give him a big hug... leaving him to wonder what the hell my problem was.

If only...