A confession...

Sometimes, I am ashamed of how angry and bitter I am about Lionel's death. Overall, I try to be a nice and positive person, treat people the way I would like to be treated, etc. I'd like to think that. more often than not, I am relatively successful at that. I was not raised to be resentful, negative and jealous.

But I have noticed lately, that whenever the news happens to be on television, and they begin reporting on a medical breakthrough, amazing rescue, or the miraculous prognosis/progress of someone who's been seriously ill or near death -- I find myself snatching up the remote to mute the sound as quickly as possible. Sometimes, I can't bear to hear about anyone else's remarkable recovery or cure...and the joyous relief of their loved ones.

I don't wish ill of anyone and, deep down, I am happy for all concerned...but I am envious because that wasn't my experience.. At least I am not so far gone that I don't realize how pathetic that is.

It's a good thing that I'm an actor, so that I can respond appropriately when well-meaning people say things clearly meant to be kind and supportive, but which -- when they catch me at the wrong split second -- cause me to want to snap back with an angry retort. Things like:

"At least he isn't suffering anymore."

"You should be glad you had such a good friend as long as you did."

"God knows what's best."

"He's in a better place."

"You'll get over it."

"You've got to move on."

"Keep yourself busy."

"Plenty of other people have it worse than you..."

"You've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself." etc.

Many of these, are things that I am probably also guilty of having awkwardly uttered in similar situations when I didn't know what else to say. I am sure that whatever is said to me is said out of genuine care and concern. And yet -- being a playwright -- I frequently think of some of the cruelest and most creatively ungrateful retorts and responses...none of which I'm brave or honest enough to repeat here., for fear I would totally dispel what little positive regard anyone might mistakenly have for me.

I know, that I am wallowing in indulgent self-pity. How could I read these posts back to myself and not realize that? I even know, from experience, that there is some truth in many of these well-meaning observations. And yet, sometimes when I hear them, it is all I can do to bite my tongue and not verbalize the ugliness that comes so quickly to mind. Hopefully, I will continue to know better. As my rejection slips should tell me, I should save all of that creativity to channel into my play writing and film scripts ...where apparently, it is sorely needed.

It's a hardly a flattering revelation about myself, but somehow I feel that it's essential, at 4:04 a.m. when I can't sleep, to at least be honest with the handful of people who may ever bother to read this blog. And to be honest with myself.

My candor does have its limits, though. There are at least three or four things that I have not been able to bring myself to write about. Maybe later...