Busy Work...

Keeping busy seems to help. Probably because when I am preoccupied and busy -- I don't have time to think. And I've been very busy. There was a lot of backed-up work waiting for me when I returned to my job after spending the holidays with my family. In addition to everything that had piled up, there are new crises and demands waiting for me every morning. It's been difficult to take lunch or leave on time.

And when I do finally get home, I'm confronted by everything that has been on hold since that ambulance ride to the hospital last October. So, it has been easy to keep busy. It's been unavoidable. The problem is that, when my body finally shuts down at the end of each day...my mind doesn't. The thoughts I've been trying to avoid simply rush right back, unbidden, like liquid filling a void. It turns out that keeping busy only helps while I am busy. Then, I am right back where I started. Thinking about Lionel.

I'm reminded of that ancient joke:

Patient: Doctor, it hurts whenever I do that.

Doctor: Then, don't do that.

Unfortunately, it's easier said than done. Turning off thoughts about someone who was, for so long, such an intrinsic part of my daily life has so far been impossible.

I do manage to force myself not to talk about him constantly. I'm an actor, so I'm pretty convincing when people ask me how I'm doing, and I say "Fine." I realize that most of the time that particular, polite question is a simple, casual, greeting.... and not an invitation for me to unburden my true emotions and feelings of despair. And although a couple of people have caught me crying in my office, no one really wants me divulging my anguish at the water cooler. None of us have the time. Besides, I don't want people to start running in the other direction whenever they see me approaching.

Although I do slip occasionally, I've tried to scale back the personal disclosure and venting on Facebook. Theoretically, that's what this blog is for...to wallow in self-pity without boring folks unnecessarily.

After all, I'm not the only one who's lost a loved one. I've even been to another funeral since Lionel's. Several of my good friends and a co-worker have all lost family since Lionel died. There've been mudslides in Brazil, 13 murders in PG County, car accidents and tragic house fires. All those people, including that nine-year old girl, were killed by that guy in Tucson.

Everyone else seems to be able to grieve and keep functioning. Everyone else seems to be able to move on. Why can't I?